I had been harboring this for the past 9 years. I felt like I was in prison for the pain that I personally brought to myself. I wanted to end all of this. Tremendous effort has been made in the past but I never fully make it to be healed. I didn’t fully let go of you. Trying to deny it and to sweep it under the rug didn’t help at all. It’s like I put a band aide in my wound but didn’t do anything to heal it- the pain remains deep inside my heart and Im still holding on it until this very day. But should I waste another decade for holding on to something who was not even holding me back in anyway? I really want to say goodbye. Maybe and I hope by this time I will finally succeed in seeking my freedom.
From the time you caught my eyes back in my college days, you took my full attention without you knowing it. My heart bleeds a hundred of times without you knowing it. My eyes welled up in tears a thousand of times without you knowing. You didn’t know anything because I didn’t asked you to do it nor had there be any chance you asked me for it. If I only knew that you would have a great impact in my life, I would never make it a big deal when you drop to me to ask about something on our accounting subject. I would never make it a big deal when you sit beside me during our first year as we chat about some things during our teacher’s day. And I would never ever make it a big deal when Paul asked me if there is something going between us. How I wished I never would have start a fantasy since then when I was again asked by Aimee who among the guys that I knew that I had some affection into. Honestly, I really have none in mind to point out to but because I found you nice among those guys that I knew in college I was pushed to just blurt out your name for nothing. That nothing finally turned into big thing that I was never been aware of that it will take 9 years to hold this feeling.
When finally you became my official classmate in second year and we sat beside each other, I guess my feeling for you started to grow. It started when I invited you and the rest of our friends at home so I could cook for all of you. Then I thought that the best way to a man’s heart is to feed his stomach. You practically love the meal I guess. And it followed by another and then another. The first time you celebrated your birthday, I went to the mall to buy some card where we could all write a simple message. A little gift for you I guess. I dunno if I sounded obvious since then as I remember stares from our friends. But I dunno if you happen to keep that card till now. I guess it was lost somewhere else and typhoon Ondoy could even have destroyed it by then.
But the illusions stop when the second semester of our second year opened up. I was trying to decipher if you had a thing but I couldn’t then a shocking thing happened. You had a different seatmate by this time. And I saw exchanges of smiles and laughter from afar. I envied that. I envied that girl when I overheard you chat with each other promising you will texting each other at night. I knew your voice and was even more shocked when I turned your way- “it was you.” I envied that lovely lady. Hoping if I would have a lighter complexion like her you would like me. But you can’t and you didn’t. I remember, that was when the first teardrop fall. I remember how and I can still feel it today. That while I was writing this, I’m traveling back to the past and I felt until today of how it pains me a lot.
The next painful event was when Valentine’s Day came, without me investigating and asking the other members of that group I knew you are courting her. Then the two of you appeared late. One of you came ahead but the message is pretty clear. How I wished I could be on that girl’s shoes. I tried to avoid you but all the more you avoid me and you never noticed me at all. Your world circulated with the lovely girl just as my world circulated with yours.
The summer break began and I hope it will help me to forget about the painful thing for that semester. But I guess, I didn’t. The next school year finally began. We are still classmates but the girl joined a different block by this time. I heard you ended courting this girl. Deep inside, it gave me a good feeling and I didn’t want to dig out the reason why the courtship didn’t turn out well. But our friends and classmates made their own way to find out and as they mustered about the reasons, I found out that you gave up. There was some other guy trying to get her attention and you might have your own personal reasons to give up the fight. I just let it work that way. I let you heal your own wounds. I didn’t come closer as I am afraid people might say things against me if I do. I just kept on watching you from afar. Then one day, my hope finally awaken of the thought maybe you have forgotten about her. And just the same old friend I lend you a hand every time you needed one. Then again, I cooked for you and the group. When you asked me for a thing, I show up immediately. When you needed someone to talk to, I opened my heart and ears to listen to each of your stories but you buried my own stories on the same day I shared it to you. Because the next day or next week you no longer remember anything of what I shared with you. But I’m still there hanging on and hoping maybe one day.
Then one day I received a text message from you, I’m too sleepy but still I wake myself up because you are borrowing my laptop. Then, I willingly told you I can bring it over to your dorm. Then you requested to me help you write a letter so I finished writing it up for you. Then you asked me to leave my laptop with you so you could watch a movie later, then again I was persuaded. But when it finally gets dim outside and I needed to go home as well, you told me you can no longer walk with me back at home because you are busy catching up for the exams. I was hurt when I heard you said that. I didn’t ask you some more and I went back at home- alone. I saw you coming to our dorm after an hour because I already finished cooking the meal that you always wanted. You said thanks but I no longer said a word. You enjoyed the meal because you called me up again.
It could be a wakeup call that I mean nothing to you. That you will never learn to love me too. They tell me forget about you. That I deserve someone else and it will never be you. I was starting to move on. But then again, you showed up to our dorm. I never thought that you will come visit me there. But you didn’t visit me for any other reason. You visited simply because you needed my help. You need me to write another letter for you again. I said with a different tone this time, you are big enough to write a letter. You can do it on your own. But you insisted and you didn’t left without you achieving the purpose of your visit. Then you came back again, I can no longer remember the reason why you went. But as far as I know, you needed my help. Then you didn’t show up again because by this time, you don’t need my assistance.
We finished our degree together, we took our oath together. But you are hanging with different group of friends and we seldom spent time with each other. I understand that, it has been the same old thing way back then. From the time that I am developing this feeling towards you, the way I communicate with you also affected. When you wanted me to be your thesis partner, I was happy to hear about that before. You wanted me to your thesis partner but never as a lifetime partner. But fate conveys its own message because we both ended up in a different group. But I appreciate the fact that you were there every time I needed to be rushed in the hospital. When I collapsed when we were in the review school, you were one of those who carry me down the stairs and you were the one who called up my father to inform me of my condition. Forget about the reason why you did that. It could be that you don’t have any choice or you are also concern in any way. But still, I’m thankful that you did.
You wanted us to look for a job together, but I didn’t agree with you. I want us to finally separate our ways. Because I knew it will never helped me move on. I’m starting to take my own leap and I believed it will help me if I did. Then we ended up working in two different companies located on adjacent roads. You are working on the east while I worked on the west. We are parting our ways, so our business location. Fate conveyed its message once again.
One day, you are not showing up in our gathering. We spent our dinner gathering without hearing anything from you. Then a shocking reason came up one day, you are now in a relationship. I stared on that news feed then I just noticed a tear to fall once again. I guess, this could now be another chance to fully move on. To quit expecting and to quit on waiting. It took almost two years since you were together. And you didn’t show up in our gathering. We heard nothing about you. And im pissed off at times because the group wanted to celebrate for you and the girl. And still I was there though I’m bleeding inside and I still chose to appear, but we didn’t hear anything from you. Not even a courtesy to tell us ahead of time. I guess we need to accept the fact that this is how things work for you. Then one day, I accidentally met you and your girlfriend in Glorietta. I was surprised to see the two of you walking when I immediately spotted you. We chatted with each other like a nice friend that I used. I didn’t show up any grudges and even throw you some jokes. My little sister was watching me from afar. I was trying to maintain my posture- everything. I tried assessing myself if I still sense anger and pain, I was happy for you and I thought I finally moved on. My sister said that I already did.
But a month ago, I saw a post from the girl that you already meet up with her friends and one of our friends wanted to meet her by this time. I guess our friends wanted to meet her up too. And then the gathering finally pushed through. We see each other in SM Megamall July 17, 2015. When I started reading through the conversation, I sense again the same feeling and it leaves me bleeding in the middle of the night. And now that the gathering finally pushed through, I knew I needed to gather all the courage that I mustered through the years. I need to be strong, I can’t tell you guys that I can’t go for I wouldn’t want to give you an inkling thought of what I really feel. Then the day finally arrived, I saw you and your girl. It’s been a while, but the feeling remains the same. Because when I found out that you are planning to propose for her soon and how you did your own courtship move, I laugh with you and with the rest of the group. I appealed fine and strong. I appealed the same nice friend. I didn’t show any tantrum. I talk well with the two of you while a burst of laughter was heard in the midst of our conversation. I treated you and your girl well without any sign of grudge. Because I was never been one. I was never been bad to you and to the girls you loved. Because I still behave as a descent woman like how I was raised through the years. You may or may never have an inkling thought of my feelings toward you. You may or may never cared the way I expect you to be. But I guess the fate just conveyed enough messages. And now that you wanted to finally want to settle to the girl that you love, I wanted to ask for my freedom. Because you may or may not be aware of it, you are a big part of my past. And I cannot move forward and embrace my future if something ties me to you. I no longer want to ask why didn’t feel the same way. Because I guess, you are still courteous enough not to ask me for it. You didn’t make your own moved not because you are afraid to take a step but because you only see me as a friend. When somebody asked you that question in our of our dinner gathering, you conveyed that you want to maintain the friendship. You may have indirectly answered me. Honestly, I didn’t know that I still hang on you since that dinner. But today, I wanted to have my complete freedom. And I knew I can never have that if I can’t even be honest with myself. The reason why I write you this letter could help me to finally cut off the string. I may not be able to give this letter with you. But at least, I believed that this will helped in achieving my simple step to fully let go of you. And you know what, when that day finally come. I would like to hug you and say thank you. Thank you for that pains that I experienced through because you let me set a standard to wait for the right man that will offer me that kind of love that I truly deserve. Thank you for it allowed me to practice how to be good even if you’re hurting. And thank you for you allowed me to learn a lesson I wouldn’t want to face again. Because the lessons you taught me today, helped me a lot to become a better person. And when that day finally comes, I will smile back at you and say my sweet thank you.